From The Blaire Chronicles

BIG STAGE AND BIG LIGHTS


I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH OF A TROOPER I WAS. I WAS ONE STRONG WOMAN! YOU KNOW AS I SIT HERE AND THINK BACK ON ALL OF MY DAYS I ALSO REALIZE THAT MANY PEOPLE ENVIED ME. ITS SORTA LIKE THEY WISHED ME WELL BUT IN THE SAME BREATHE THEY WISHED THE WORSE. I TRULY BELIEVE THAT’S THE REASON FOR MY PASSING. I THINK INSIDE I WANTED TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BUT IT WAS JUST IMPOSSIBLE. I WAS TAUGHT TO BELIEVE THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT. BUT THIS WAS SOMETHING I JUST COULDN’T OVERCOME.


I WAS 16 YEARS OLD WHEN I PERFORMED MY FIRST ACT. THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORSE ACTS EVER! I WAS NERVOUS AND SHY AND I HAD ALL OF THESE STRANGE FACED PEOPLE STARNG AT ME. THAT MADE IT EVEN WORSE. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK ON THIS ONE MANS FACE WHEN I STRUTTED ONTO THE STAGE. HE WAS A TALL MAN BUILT LIKE AN OAK TREE WITH BIG BROWN EYES AND A SMILE THAT COULD PUT THE SUN OUT OF BUSINESS. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT HE WAS ONE SEXY MR. HE STARED AT ME THE WHOLE TIME AND STARED RIGHT BACK AT HIM BECAUSE THAT WAS ONE THING ABOUT ME… IF YOU SHOWED ME THAT YOU WERE ATTEMPTING TO BE INTIMIDATING I WOULD DO ANYTHING IN MY POWER TO SHUT YA DOWN. AS I STRUTTED ACROSS THE STAGE IN MY SUNDAYS BEST, I REALIZED THAT THIS WASNT WHAT I WANTED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE. I MEAN I WANTED TO BE A STAR, I WAS DESTINED TO BE A STAR BUT NOT LIKE THIS. SINGING IN SOME RAN DOWN OL’ BAR. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON A BIG STAGE WITH BIG LIGHTS. YOU KNOW DOIN IT BIG YA’LL. HERES THE THING I WAS 16, ON MY OWN AND DIDN’T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN…

MR JOHN JACOB ROBINSON WAS HIS NAME. I FOUND OUT THE NIGHT OF MY LAST PERFORMANCE. I HAD PPERFORMED THERE FOR 2 YEARS ALREADY AND IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON. I WAS 18 NOW AN ADULT! WELL I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I WAS AN ADULT FROM THE AGE OF 13 BUT THE ELDERS SAY I WAS STILL A CHILD. I HAD TO MOVE ON, THE MONEY WASN’T RIGHT, THE STAGE WASN’T RIGHT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I WASN’T RIGHT! I DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT. THAT PLACE WASN’T MY HOME SO I DECIDED TO PACK UP AND TAKE MY SHOW ON THE ROAD. MR JOHN JACOB ROBINSON WAS HIS NAME. HE WAS ONE SMOOTH TALKER. HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAVE A LOT ON HIS MIND AND I WAS CURIOUS AS TO WHY, SO ME BEING THE SMOOTH TALKER THAT I AM HAD TO PUMP HIM FOR INFORMATION. I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD JUST RECENTLY LOST HIS WIFE TO AN ALENESS AND WAS LONELY AND HAD MONEY TO SPEND. I MEAN HE DIDN’T SAY IT IN THOSE EXACT WORDS BUT THAT BASICALY SUMS IT UP. IT WAS A PERFECT MATCH. I WAS 18 AN ADULT ON MY ONWN TRAVELING THE WORLD LOOKING FOR A MAN WITH MONEY BECAUSE I SURE ENOUGH KNEW HOW TO SPEND IT. WE WERE MEANT TO BE. SO I THOUGHT.

I BECAME A HOUSE WIFE AT THE AGE OF 19. YES I HAD BECOME A MOTHER. MY MUSIC CAREER HAD TO BE ON HOLD SO HE SAID. I WAS NOW MRS ROBINSON THE USED TO BE SONGSTRESS AND CURRENT MOMMA AND WIFE. I NEVER LET GO OF MY MUSIC THOUGH. THAT WAS ONE THING THAT NO ONE COULD EVER TAKE AWAY FROM ME. MY MUSIC. EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T ON A BIG STAGE WITH BIG LIGHTS I WAS STILL A STAR IN MY OWN EYES.

NEVER THOUGHT THAT MY LIFE WOULD END THIS WAY. HERE I AM LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD BECAUSE I DIDN’T TEND TO THE HOUSE CORRECTLY IN HIS EYES. I HAD 4 BOYS THAT WERE MORE THAN A HAND FULL. EVERYTHING WAS SPOTLESS IN THAT MANS HOUSE EXCEPT FOR A MILK SPILL BY THE SCREEN DOOR. ONE OF THE BOYS HAD TIPPED HIS CUP WHILE WATCHING ME DO THE GARDENING. I PAID IT NO NEVER MIND BECAUSE DINNER NEEDED TO BE PREPPED AND THE CLOTHES NEEDED A WASHING. MR ROBINSON CAME HOME AND SAW THE MILK ON THE FLOOR. STARTED YELLING AND SAYING I WAS A HORRIBLE WOMAN. NO REAL WOMAN WOULD KEEP A HOUSE LIKE THIS.. AS I STARTED TO WALK OVER TO CLEAN THE SPILL I LEFT SOMETHING LIKE A BRICK OR SOMETHING HIT THE BACK OF MY HEAD. IT SORTA FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN SHOT BUT I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I FELL TO MY KNEES HOLDING THE BACK OF MY HEAD FEELING WARM WATER IN THE PALM OF MY HANDS, REALIZING THAT I WAS FADING. I GAVE UP I DIDN’T EVE FIGHT ANYMORE BECAUSE I WAS TIRED ANYWAY. I WAS 25 YEARS OLD WITH 4 KIDS AND A HUSBAND THAT DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME. HE NEVER SAID THANK YOU OR GOOD MORNING OR NOTHIN. I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE MY KIDS BUT I KNEW HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF THEM HE JUST HAD SOMETHING AGAINST WOMEN. WOMEN THAT WERE STRONGER THAN HIM. SO I CLOSED MY EYES AND FOLLOWED THE MUSIC TO A BIG STAGE WITH BIG LIGHTS AND PEOPLE WITH SMILING FACES THAT WELCOMED ME. THEY WERE ALL WAITING FOR ME TO PERFORM MY FAVORITE SONG…

“THIS IS A DAY THAT IVE HOPED FOR, AS I SPREAD MY WINGS TO FLY TO A PLACE SO FAR AWAY, ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A STAR ON A BIG STAGE WITH BIG LIGHTS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A STAR… WILL ALWAYS BE A STAR AND NO ONE CAN TOUCH ME…..
I LIVE THROUGH YOU.”